The GRAVITY of the situation

The following is an excerpt from a live broadcast from field reporter Timmy Zahnarzt, for channel 6 news, Albany, NY, that has been repeatedly aired on CNN due to the gravity of the situation:

"...are we there yet? seriously, I'm gonna pee myself...(laughs) the irony...the channel 6 pee-on, pee's himself! (laughs) What? Oh s*@t, we're rolling?! Oh- ummm... Good afternoon everyone, I'm Timmy Zahnarzt reporting to you live from Hudson Valley Community College's job fair, to see how the future of America is "fairing". We're here in the parking lot trying to catch hopeful college students to ask them exactly what they want to be when they grow- Holy s*@t! Did you see that?! Our freakin' van just lifted off the ground! What the hell is going on?! Are you guys getting all this? This is my break- Folks, we are reporting to you live from what seems to be- that kid just did the breast stroke ten feet off the ground right by you! (laughs) um, what seems to be some sort of gravity mishap. Holy crap I'm floating! Can someone get me down, here? (laughs) It seems our intern is floating a bit higher than I, and well... let's just say she picked a bad day to wear a skirt- (laughs) What's that? Hold the camera on me damn it! I don't care if you're floating. For those of you just tuning in, this is Timmy Zahnarzt for Channel 6 challenging the forces of gravity here at the HVCC campus. From the height I seem to be at now I can see across the quad, and it looks as though we are not the first to officially notice this bizarre event. I can see what appears to be government agents and army officials not too far off. "
(static)
"...Hello again America, Timmy Zahnarzt here... we've anchored ourselves for now to the new clock tower here on campus which seems for the moment to be solidly attached to the ground. I'm here with General Wilk of the US Army for his take on what's going down...or should I say...up? General?"
General Wilk: "Thank you, Mr. Zahnarzt. We just want everyone to stay calm and know that we have this situation under control."
Timmy: " So what is the plan of attack here General? Are you evacuating campus?"
Gen. Wilk: " By no means, Sir. We have assessed the situation and are just asking all civilians to remain inside the buildings for the time being. We have determined that there is no safety risk to anyone outside the campus. We need to evaluate the people here before we can send them home."
Timmy: " If cars, and people (ducking) and lamp posts are flying away- oh crap, one of your soldiers just lost his gun- somebody go get that! How are you reasoning that this is safe?"
Gen. Wilk: "The gravity isn't gone, Sir. If it were totally missing the building would've crumbled and floated away along with the air you're still breathing."
Timmy: "So then, what's the plan?!"

The US government cut the interview short and has asked that this scenario for the future of the college be delivered in the writing of new lead anchor,Timmy Zahnarzt (though in retrospect they may not appreciate his editorial comments) :

Turning their focus toward the looming societal frenzy regarding global warming and the always popular apocalypse, the worlds’ top minds set off to put our minds at ease. Through extensive research into major natural disasters via the US government and other research super powers with unlimited funds, teams were set up to tackle each such disastrous category: climate changes, violent storms (and their vastly increasing frequency) tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis and other tidal activity, and volcanic and fault line activity, among others. Almost at a stand still for the past few years, one of the chief contributors to this research quite simply stumbled upon a more immediate problem that had been overlooked due it’s sheer magnitude.

While studying the increase in seismic activity in the north-eastern US, SESAC (Scientific Earthquake Studies Advisory Committee) discovered that, for lack of more technical jargon, they were thinking too small. A fault line was discovered in the small town of Troy, New York which appeared to be an almost perfect circle, covering enough acreage that it encompasses the entire campus of the local community college. A closer examination and hundreds of studies later, it was concluded that this fault line is so expansive that with the slightest shift it will separate this small piece of earth entirely from the rest of the planet.

What does this mean? With the round-the-clock urgent observation that still goes on as you read, scientists are predicting an unusually large earthquake within the next six months. They attribute this shifting to a currently unexplainable change in the actual mass, and, or density of this parcel of land. Long story short(er), when this happens the traditional rules of gravity as we know it will no longer apply to Hudson Valley Community College and the 2 miles surrounding it.

As horrific the proposition seems, it definitely grabbed the attention of the entire scientific community. The US government turns it’s focus to this problem at hand. How could they say no to “saving” the town that touts itself the “home of Uncle Sam” himself,

(and what better way to switch our focus from their misdeeds in the runnings of this country).

Already it has been noted, clear atmospheric changes on the campus. The CDC (Center for Disease Control) was called in, prematurely fearing some sort of new plague when students and faculty alike began having severe respiratory problems and other symptoms privy only to the likes of extremely high altitudes. It is now explained by the changes in gravity associated with the separation from the earth, the gravity is dissipating. Without gravity, what’s to hold the air and even water to the dirt? It is a far cry to say that there will be “no gravity” on campus, but within the next year changes will have to be made in order to keep the campus inhabitable.

Gravity is everywhere, in space, on the moon… it’s everywhere, and it’s unavoidable. But it will appear to be gone by any known standard in eight to ten months.

Should we evacuate? Run for our lives? Not in America! The United States government is using this as sort of research project. A way to study our ever changing world- and possibly gain an advantage. School is out at the end of the semester and will resume in Fall of 2008. Accommodations will be made to keep education of HVCC’s 12,000+ students going. Upon it’s return, the college will take more of a specific approach to learning. It will prepare students for four-year schools more prone to scientific and/or engineering studies. The school will maintain it’s junior college status, but have on-campus housing mandatory for all students as to closely monitor their health and progress. Taking advantage of being a school with it’s largest major currently being construction management, students will receive tuition grants and internships in return for aiding in the “remodeling” of the traditional campus towards a livable space to foster young minds. (Easy enough with all the construction already going on all over campus).

What changes will be made? Our minds will wander to thoughts of people, cars, and even buildings floating off into space. Truth be told, the newer buildings are securely enough fastened to the ground that they won’t float away just yet. The actual ground upon which they sit weighs just enough that the rest of the earth and it’s wondrous gravity sustain it’s position. You and I? That’s a whole different story. True to form with “life imitating art” and/or fiction, the geniuses at the pentagon have ripped off the story line of the Travolta movie, “Face Off”, and its’ wondrous prison setting. The irony of a school and a prison being similar abounds. Specific walk ways will be erected of high grade metals and your magnetic boots will secure you fast to the “ground”. School issued suits will be worn to ensure you have air to breathe, should you ever need to leave a building. This shouldn't pose a problem as they will all be connected by enclosed bridges that will be pressurized to match the insides of the retrofitted buildings. It’s said to be our first space station here on earth, really.

Campus life will change in obvious ways. You’ll live at school in new student housing. Food and supplies will be available in the campus center. Curriculum will change slightly. The class currently known as college forum, which is designed as a sort of orientation to college life will be turned into an orientation to “zero” gravity life. Just to let the subjects, I mean students, have some fun with the new experience, phys ed. Credits will be earned through a class outdoors that lets you experience the weightless feeling first hand. Comparisons have been drawn to elementary school gym class and playing with a parachute, filling it with air and running underneath. A sort of securely fastened tent will be set up in the quad for you to run around in and play “zero” gravity sports, (with your oxygen helmets of course). An entire intramural league has been planned for competitive sports in the new environment (since you can’t realistically play other schools). Special transportation has been set up to take you home and back during breaks and holidays. Parents week-end happens twice a semester. And just imagine the fun of the college dating scene in “zero” gravity!

Doctors live on campus for 24 hour aid, as well as psychologists to help you with adapting to your new surroundings and adjusting to “life in the bubble”.

Admissions requirements have tightened as to be major specific and help with grants as opposed to financial aid in return for being part of this ongoing project.

Further information will be provided as final decisions are made and the start date of the new campus draws closer. (...but why couldn't they have mentioned this to the American public before we witnessed this "uplifting" experience first hand?)

"Thank you America"- Timmy Zahnarzt